Funny two liner sexy jokes collection

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it.

How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who knows; they never get the house.

How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?

Slap her.

What do you do if your washing machine breaks down?

Slap her to.

How long does it take a woman to clean the toilet?

Who cares, as long as dinner is on the table by 6.

Why do women have small feet?

So they can get closer to the sink.

Pick the odd one out: a woman, a washing machine, a toaster and the garden hose?

The toaster, the rest leak when you fuck them.

Why did the woman cross the road?

That's not the point, why wasn't she chained to the bed?

Why can't women get their driving licences?

Because there's no road from the kitchen to the laundry.

What do a woman and a condom have in common?

They're both either in your wallet or on your dick.

What do you say to a woman who has two black eyes?

Nothing, she has already been told twice.

What is the difference between a "Battery" and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?

There both empty from the neck up.

What's the best thing about a blow job?

Ten minutes silence.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?

So they can get air to their brain.

What's a man's idea of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

How many men does it take to pop a pan of popcorn?

4: 1 to hold the pan and 3 to shake to stove.

What's the definition of a woman?

A woman is a life support system to a virgina.

Confucious say: Woman worth weight in gold probably costs as much. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?

You know she'll swallow.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?

The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?

White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....." Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....."

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?

Einstein's cock.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it!

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Why do hunters make the best lovers?

Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How can you tell which is the head nurse?

The one with the dirty knees.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?

It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?

Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

How do you piss off a female archeologist??

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman’s watch?

You don’t, there’s a clock on the oven!

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you’re gonna to want to shoot it. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course...at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%: Wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What’s on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

5 drinks!!!

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

How can you tell a macho woman?

She rolls her own tampons

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45kg

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45mins.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

Sexual Harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

$3.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?

Marriage.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What have women and floor tiles got in common?

If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?

"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"